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By: Isabel Schwarz, Sophomore, Well-Being Intern for Mental and Emotional Well-Being & Suicide Prevention, Office of Health Promotion

Part of being human is not being immune to trauma from challenges that life throws at you. Trauma has no boundaries. Often, young adults – including yours – do not express the distress they are feeling. While this can be frustrating, it is important as a parent or family member for you to understand that, while it feels like it is your responsibility to “fix” how your Zag feels, it is better to show your support.

What is Trauma?

Trauma can be an event, multiple events, or a set of circumstances that is experienced, overwhelming the person’s ability to cope and therefore creating long lasting effects on the person’s well-being. There are different types of trauma, commonly: natural disasters, human-caused disasters, community violence, school violence, sexual or physical assault, family trauma, refugee and immigrant trauma, medical trauma, racism, and poverty.

A form of trauma that many of us may be currently experiencing is mass trauma from Covid-19, which has taken a huge physical, mental, and emotional toll on people around the world. The impact of trauma can come in many shapes and sizes, depending on how hard Covid-19 has impacted you and your loved ones. I know that many students, like me, had a really hard time coping with the effects from Covid-19 and being stripped from their college friends and life experiences for more than six months. It is even harder for students who are attending college remotely, and first-year students who had to deal with the effects of Covid-19 on their senior year in high school and going to a new place and school. While this is something that is tough and we are all working through together, you can support your Zag through trauma-informed care.

Trauma-Informed Care Principles

Trauma-informed care is an approach to support anyone who has experienced some sort of trauma in their life. The first step is to recognize and understand that trauma is common and to assume that your Zag may have had some sort of history of trauma. Trauma is not something that is necessarily obvious; it is often underlying and can be triggered by stressful or uncontrollable events. It is important to note that even if you know what trauma your Zag has experienced, it is not your job to treat it. The intention behind trauma-informed care is to provide support services that are available, not treat the symptoms. The five main principles of trauma-informed care include:

1. Safety. This means ensuring physical and emotional safety. While as a caregiver you may want to know every little thing in your student’s life, you must respect their privacy. Even though they are your young adult, they are also a human being. Respect and trust go both ways. If your Zag does come to you and speaks about how they are feeling, it is crucial to listen and acknowledge how they feel. Don’t brush them off or minimize their experience. Thank them for talking to you about it.  Help them to feel that they are in a safe space to talk about their feelings. How you respond may impact whether they feel safe enough to discuss it with you or someone else in the future.
2. Trustworthiness. It is important to ensure that your Zag feels that they can rely on you. This can be established through clear boundaries and clarity on what is expected when they open up to you on how they are feeling. For example, if they want something to stay between you and them, respect their boundary and keep that information between you and them unless it is life threatening.
3. Choice. While respecting your Zag’s privacy, it’s important to also respect their choices even if you do not agree with them. A part of our growth as young adults is learning to make decisions for ourselves.  The more choice that we have ensures more autonomy, which makes us more open to participate in your suggestions on what to do.
4. Collaboration. You want to work with your student, not control them. Telling them what to do will just result in them pushing away from you and closing up even more. Listen to what they have to say and their perspectives.  Discuss different options about how to address a situation and accompany them through our discernment process.
5. Empowerment. Focus and commend your Zag on their strengths to create an atmosphere that allows them to feel validated. Thank them for opening up to you, because it can be difficult to open up, especially when it comes to trauma. While these five principles go in order, they are all interwoven so that your child can feel that they are in a safe space and are validated.

Starting the Conversation

You are probably wondering, “Well, how do I even start this conversation?” Approaching your college student in general can be intimidating, so I am going to help you out. For one, make sure that when you approach them, it is just the two of you. Your child is most likely not going to want to talk about personal things in front of others. Even if your child has not been acting different, checking in on them every now and then and asking, “How are you doing?” or “How is everything?” can lead to them talking about their feelings. Sometimes you might have to emphasize how are they genuinely are doing, because they might downplay what is really going on. Following that question and their answer, if you feel it is appropriate, you might add “I have noticed that you seem off lately. What’s going on?” As I have mentioned before, it is very important to validate their emotions. Your child is entitled to their feelings, as well as you are to yours.

Finally, if your Zag doesn’t want to talk about it, let them know that that’s okay, too.  Tell them that you love and support them and will be here when or if they ever are willing to talk. 

Concerned about your Zag?

If you are concerned about your Zag, please visit Gonzaga’s Well-Being Resources which includes a link specifically for parents and families.