By: Isabel Schwarz, sophomore well-being intern
In today’s world, we are conditioned to “always think on the bright side” and maintain a nonchalant exterior to make it through the day or week. We dismiss our negative feelings when we are having a bad day, and project this false optimism onto others. As a student, I have not only been on the receiving end of toxic positivity, but I admittedly have been the perpetrator. It is not just heard on campus, but often this mindset starts at home.
“Toxic positivity is the belief that no matter how dire or difficult a situation is, people should maintain a positive mindset.” Now I am not saying that you should not be optimistic or have a positive mindset; we all know that there is plenty of research proving that obtaining a positive mindset can help with depression, lower levels of stress, and overall help one live a healthy lifestyle. But it is all about balance. Like everything else that is done in excess, too much positivity can silence the authentic human experience of experiencing every emotion, which is what makes it toxic.
“Toxic positivity is forced, false positivity. It may sound innocuous on the surface, but when you share something difficult with someone and they insist that you turn it into a positive, what they’re really saying is, My comfort is more important than your reality.”
-Dr. Susan David, author of Emotional Agility
Toxic positivity is a form of gaslighting, which is a manipulation tactic that is used to make someone question or deny their reality, which includes their feelings and experiences. The majority of the time when someone expresses that they are feeling sad, irritable, or angry, most people do not know how to respond.
Here are some examples of what is commonly heard as a result:
- “You will get over it soon”
- “Think happy thoughts”
- “It could be worse”
These phrases invalidate the emotions that person is feeling, which can cause them to shut down and prevent them from knowing how to process it. Part of being human is learning how to navigate all your emotions, good and bad, and it is especially important to develop healthy coping mechanisms and be gentle with yourself so that you do not bottle up everything you are feeling. “Research has shown that accepting negative emotions, rather than avoiding or dismissing them, may actually be more beneficial for a person’s mental health in the long run.” One 2018 study tested the link between emotional acceptance and psychological health in more than 1,300 adults and found that people who habitually avoid acknowledging challenging emotions can end up feeling worse.
Now you may be wondering: Okay so that’s great but how do I better emotionally support my student? Well for starters, it is crucial to have your home be a safe space for mental health. This will cause your student to feel more inclined to talk about any current struggles that they are facing. Do not be discouraged if your student just responds with “good” when you ask how their day was. Sometimes they need a little push to open up, and sometimes they just need space and will come to you. It is a tricky balance. When your student does come to you, it is important to provide support and validation.
Here are some examples of what it could sound like:
- “It is okay if you are feeling angry right now”
- “I’m sorry that you feel like this”
- “Well at least you will never have to repeat today” (This can shed some light if they are having a really bad day)
Thanks for your attention and I hope that this will help you and your student have more open discussions about mental and emotional well-being.
